Sunday, 19 December 2010

The three second rule - myth #2

If I am cold, I perfectly within my rights to find Ooman and sit on her until I warm up.  I do not have to wait for Ooman to move off the sofa and then wait a further three seconds until I can pinch the warm spot she has just vacated.  Ditto the bed.

Of course, we wouldn't be having this issue if Ooman would start opening the door to the sunny garden again...

Friday, 19 November 2010

The three second rule - myth #1

I don't like to allow Ooman or any of her kind in the kitchen unsupervised.  They all have nasty habits of cleaning up food when they drop it.  Food on the work surfaces is for Ooman to eat.  Food on the floor is for cats to eat.  If you've dropped it, you've reliquished it to your cat.  None of this 'three second rule' nonsense.  It's mine, go get your own food (from the work surface).  Absolutely, definitely DO NOT pick it up off the floor and make me have to dig in the bin for it later.  You'll only be grumpy when your sleep is disturbed by me wrestling with the bin lid at 2 am.

Friday, 12 November 2010

It's hard work being me...

...or any cat for that matter.  Fluid mechanics is complicated.  Don't believe me?  You try drinking water out of a bowl on the floor with grace, decorum while maintaining a dry face and whiskers.  Or just read this.

Thursday, 21 October 2010

The wrong garden

I've given up waiting for lunch to visit the garden again, it's just too cold.  It's about this time every year when Ooman develops a very annoying habit.  Usually when I want to bask in the sunshine, I sit on the doormat, ask nicely and rather than scrambling in an ungainly fashion through the cat flap, Ooman opens the door for me.  Perfect.  Most of the time, Ooman opens the door to the 'sunny garden', but around this time of year Ooman seems to think it's fun to show me the 'cold garden' instead.  And no amount of complaining will get her to change it. 

It's annoying, she's so well trained in all other respects but I can't work out how to break this habit.  Suggestions welcome in the comments box below...

Monday, 18 October 2010

Bear with me

As you can see, I am decorating.  It's difficult without opposable thumbs.  Please bear with me.

Monday, 11 October 2010

Intruder alert!

I am writing to you from the flower bed. We have been invaded. Not once, but twice.

The first time was a cheeky young thing which made it all the way up to Ooman's bedroom in the middle of the night and woke us all up. The Child and I soon saw him off. Such, I suppose, are the perils of a cat flap.

The second intruder was more promising. It only invaded the garden, not the flat. It ate most of Ooman's favourite plant. Judging by it's ears, there was no hope of sneaking up on it. It's nose kept twitching, like it was very nervous. It was very quick and came from Over The Fence, although its actual method of access was under the fence. It was twice my size and it smelled like...LUNCH!

I hope intruder #2 returns - I have the garden under surveillance and am only eating light meals. Well, I don't want to spoil what promises to be a perfect meal by over-indulging on kibbles, do I?

Monday, 20 September 2010


There's something wrong with Ooman.

Every time I knead her lap looking for a comfy spot, she makes a loud oof-y noise. The other day, I thought I'd warm her feet by sleeping on them, but she complained that they'd gone dead. I really think she might be ill. I also think she's passed it on to t'other Ooman, as he also makes an oof-y noise whenever I sit in his lap.

Seeing as Ooman is ill, I've decided not to mention that the cat flap has shrunk. I don't know why it should suddenly shrink, but it's a real struggle to get through it.

Friday, 10 September 2010

The litter box.

The best time to use the litter box is immediately after Ooman has cleaned it. Especially if she's scrubbed it, polished it and mopped the floor underneath it. Don't waste this opportunity. Be sure to steal and eat a slice of bread (instructions below) about 2 hrs before you go.

Thursday, 2 September 2010


From time to time, you may find medication has made its way onto your daily menu. Whether you like the taste of pills or not, there is only one respectable course of action. Spit them out. Ooman's immediate reaction is to find something tasty to wrap it in. If you're lucky, Ooman will try embed said pill in a chunk of tuna. It's relatively easy to swallow the fish and spit out the pill. Ooman will then work systematically through the fridge. If you're really lucky, Ooman will keep using the same pill, despite the coating of spit and food that you've slobbered all over it. Watch as Ooman tries to press a slimey pill into a chunk of hard cheese. Opposable thumbs clearly aren't all they're cracked up to be....

Beware: if you spit the pill out too often, Ooman may resort to enlisting the services of another Ooman, holding your jaw open and firing the pill down your neck. Be careful not to spit the pill out too often. There is little dignity in being fed like a foie gras goose...

Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Try a little...

...tenderness. Especially when your Ooman has been hard at work in the office all day and is looking a bit glum. Remember, that salary pays for your litter, milk and kibbles. Sit on her lap, look up at her with your best 'I love you' face and purr loudly. Try shed as much hair as you can during the process, then every time Ooman finds a hair on her clothing/in her teacup/under the keys on the laptop it'll be a little reminder that you love her.

Don't overdo the displays of affection. Bald is not a good look for the average kitty.

Saturday, 21 August 2010

Cupboard-cracking tip #1

Always check the edges of cuboard doors for packaging that might be trapped in them. Biscuit and bread wrappers are perfect. Pull on the stray wrapping and it should open the cupboard door. If you're lucky, there'll be a loaf of bread in easy reach. Each slice of bread tastes different. Have a bite of each slice to be sure you've found the tastiest.

Of course, bread will make you trump like a trooper. Be sure to do so in your Ooman's presence to remind her to keep tidier food cupboards.

Thursday, 19 August 2010

Stealth cat

Curses!  After all my careful sharpening, Ooman had my claws clipped.  On the plus side, we have wooden floors throughout, so now she can't hear me coming...




Wednesday, 18 August 2010


... I've sent Ooman out for more milk.  Whilst she's gone, I thought I'd introduce myself.

I'm Felix and I am a criminal genius.  The genius part is that, being feline, I am outside of the law.  I also have impeccable taste, hence the blog title.  I have one son who is tragically lacking in intelligence and one human who is at my beck and call.  Speaking of which, she'll be back soon and I need to sharpen these claws on the sofa while she's not looking.  More soon.