Thursday, 21 April 2011


Every so often, Ooman disappears.  A weekend away, is understandable.  Indeed, I've enjoyed a couple of weekends away adventuring in my time.  More than a weekend is wholly unacceptable.  I am a cat.  I do not like change.

If you find your Ooman has abandoned you for a sun-baked beach or similar, you may notice that you have been assigned a cat-sitter in their absence.  There are two types of cat-sitter, live-in and live-out.  The latter will simply turn up a couple of times a day to serve food, empty the litter tray and have a quick chat.  They never stay for long enough, so you must maximise your time with them.  Ignore them completely. As soon as they head for the door, be as affectionate as you can to convince them to stay for ten more minutes.  Once they move back to the sofa, ignore them again.  Repeat as necessary.

The live-in cat-sitter is more fun, especially if it happens to be a housemate, rather than a stranger moving in for a few days to keep you company.  Again, ignore them.  Show no affection at all.  Pretend they aren't there. 

Wait until they go to bed.

If they sleep with the door open, get into bed with them, knead them affectionately, chase their toes under the duvet, lick any exposed skin and shed as much hair as you can on to their nose/mouth region.  If they sleep with the door shut, serenade them in full voice and scratch the door to provide a suitable percussion accompaniment.

On their return, your Ooman will be met by a grumpy housemate/cat-sitter who will probably refuse to cat-sit in future and a door which will need replacing.  It will be incredibly difficult for Ooman to find a cat-sitter for subsequent trips once the word gets out.  Your Ooman will be too soft/worried about the doors to leave you without supervision and so will probably not go away again.  Problem solved.

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